Jaal Tries
by Arctic Banana
Summary: Being the sole alien on a ship full of people who aren't from your galaxy can be disconcerting, so the Tempest crew decide to help Jaal out by introducing him to their favorite things from the Milky Way...whether he likes it or not.
1. Jaal Tries Food

_Liam introduces Jaal to the many wonderful foods that humans enjoy._

* * *

Jaal always wondered about the spot of paint that was scraping off the wall next to the refrigerator, but when he saw Liam throw the door open hard enough to slam into it he got the feeling that he just found out the answer to his own silent pondering.

The inside of the fridge was a bit jumbled up with leftover containers, produce rations from the Nexus, unopened cans and jars, and several partially consumed bottles of water with a note on it from Cora telling Peebee to finish them before opening a new one, next to one that had been recently opened with a note on it from Peebee telling Cora not to tell her what to do. Liam rifled through it, tossing some containers of ominous, fuzzy mystery food into the garbage as he searched.

"So what are we doing exactly?" Jaal asked.

Liam turned around with a can of something called "Mountain Dew" in hand. "I tried some of your food last night. So now it's your turn!" He took Jaal by the hand, rotated it so it was palm up, and placed the can in his hold. "That's called soda. It's that stuff that Peebee drinks when she decides to keep everyone else up all night."

He fiddled with the can a moment before finally discovering how the pull tab worked, but not before Liam had to stop him from shaking it to test how much was in there compared to the size of the can. One small sip was all he managed before shoving it back at Liam. "That tastes awful! Why is it so sweet?"

"It's Mountain Dew. It has enough caffeine and sugar in it to put a butterfly in diabetic shock."

"What is a butterfly?"

"Okay, next food! What else do we have in here?" Digging through the bottom layers of the fridge unveiled a container of chicken flavored ramen noodles. Suvi's name was written on the label, but it had been in there for about a week and was in all probability forgotten by now. "This is ramen, popular among students and people that don't have a lot of free time or skill to cook." He handed him the container and a fork. "Enjoy!"

Liam couldn't tell if it was the fact that the noodles were a week old or the fact that they were gross because they were cheap ramen, but Jaal ended up taking a swig of the Mountain Dew to wash out the taste of the ramen.

"Do your people actually enjoy this?" he asked.

"Not really, no," Liam shrugged.

"Then why do you eat it?"

"Because we've got about eighteen kilos of it in food rations that Vetra can't get rid of. Next!"

Jaal thought the leftover carrots and green beans were too mushy. He refused to eat anything with visible mushrooms in it, which turned out to be a rational fear of eating random, unknown fungi, born of the high toxicity of most existing fungi, whether they originated in the Milky Way or Andromeda. The applesauce ushered the same complaint of being too sweet that the Mountain Dew had brought on, which considering the fact that some of the angaran juice he'd tried was pretty sweet itself made Liam deeply question just how much sugar was in the average human diet. His attempts to feed some of Scott's macaroni and cheese to Jaal ended badly when the pathfinder appeared out of nowhere and tackled him to the ground to protect his favorite food.

"We've gone through almost everything," Liam pointed out. "You seriously didn't like a single thing that you tried?" He turned around and felt sickened when he saw Jaal pull a lid off of a plastic container he'd found in the back of the fridge and start eating it.

"Hmm..." Jaal stated. "I do like this. What do you call it?"

Liam wondered how he could get past the foul smell emerging from the container long enough to eat it. "That's a container of banana yogurt that came with the fridge," he replied. "When it was purchased. In the Milky Way..."

"It's 'zingy'. I like it. Especially this stuff that's growing on top of it."

"I think that's lemongrass..." Liam pointed out.


	2. Jaal Tries Horror Movies

_The Tempest crew decide to show Jaal the best part of Milky Way cinema (that isn't Fleet and Flotilla)._

* * *

Normally they would watch movies in Scott's room because he had more space, but Vetra had opted out in favor of going to bed early and didn't want to be kept up all night, so Gil, Jaal, Liam, Scott, and Peebee instead found themselves fighting for space on Liam's beaten up but undoubtedly comfortable couch.

"So what are we watching this time?" Jaal asked inquisitively.

"Oh you're gonna love this!" Liam replied. "We went through our database of vids and found a bunch of classic horror movies!"

Gil paged through their list and stopped on one called _Tentacles of Slaughter_. "Oh I love this one! It's got the star of Blasto in an early role as a very polite hanar serial killer!"

"Is that the one where he attaches a bunch of razor blades to one of his tentacles and then high fives a guy, taking all his fingers off?" Scott asked.

"Yeah, that's the one!"

Jaal looked confused. "And you people find this entertaining because why?"

"Because potatoes," Peebee replied. "Now shut up and watch the movie!"

They stayed up the whole night and went through their entire supply of microwave pizza watching every horror movie they could find from _Tentacles of Slaughter_ to some really old film about a killer snowman. Five minutes before the last film ended, the lights outside the room that were on an auto-timer kicked on, signaling the start of the morning hours. Gil was the only one who hadn't made it through the night and Liam and Scott had spent the last hour pushing him back and forth between the two of them when they got tired of being used as a human pillow.

"Wow, I can't believe we stayed up the whole night watching turian zombie movies," Scott said when he noticed the lights. "Vetra's going to kill me. I told her I would be in after three films."

"I thought that last one was pretty good," Peebee said through a yawn. "Though the killer doll was kind of hokey..."

"Yeah, I never really understood how people were afraid of dolls," Liam replied. "The concept just seems laughable to me. What did you think, Jaal?"

Scott looked around when there was no answer. "Jaal?" His spot on the floor was empty.

They leaned over the back of the couch and found Jaal curled up in the fetal position and whimpering, "Can't sleep, doll will eat me!"

"Oh come on, it wasn't that scary!" Liam pointed out.

"It had a tiny knife! And plastic eyes!"

"Okay, I guess that's our cue to shove off," Scott said before they could get stuck with the task of comforting a grown angaran who was currently hiding from dolls.

They shook Gil awake so they could move him and finally went to bed, leaving Liam behind mumbling, "Why do I always have to be the one to coddle him?"

 _The next day…_

"Hey Jaal, you want to go...oh hey, you're asleep." Scott quietly snuck away, leaving him passed out on top of a makeshift bed he'd laid out on top of a crate. He swore that Jaal could fall asleep just about anywhere.

"We'll be grounded for a while. If he wants to go out, he'll have time," Kallo reasoned as they all opted to leave for the Nexus without him.

They were digging through some loose junk up for sale from one of the Nexus vendors, hoping to find something that they could use, when Scott came across the most hideous doll he'd ever seen. It had eyes that opened when it sat up, one that was broken and always in a shut position, fake hair that looked like it had gotten into a fight with an ant hive and lost, and was lacking any clothes.

"Hey Peebee, look what I found!" he said.

"Wow, that's the fugliest looking thing I've ever seen!" Peebee replied. "I love it!"

"You want it? You can have it. That thing got mixed up in my stock somehow during the rebellions and I can't get rid of it because it keeps creeping people out!" the shopkeeper replied.

"Jaal is going to flip out when he sees that thing," Gil pointed out with mild amusement.

All of a sudden, with that single comment, the same idea simultaneously popped into the heads of Scott, Peebee, Gil, and Liam. They all looked at each other to confirm that they were on the same page, quickly paid for their stuff, and rushed back to the Tempest.

They borrowed some of Cora's makeup without asking to doctor up the doll to look even more uncanny than it already was and hot glued a butter knife into its hand. With the addition of a packet of hot sauce to make it look all bloody and as creepy as possible, they found Jaal, still fast asleep and snoring loudly on a crate of rations, and propped it up so it was poking out beside the crate, just behind his head.

Two hours later they were all in the middle of a game of Cards Against Humanity in the kitchen and had nearly forgotten about it when a high pitched scream made them all jump and flip their cards into the air. Realizing what had just happened, they tried to contain their laughing as Suvi marched into the room and put two and two together when she saw them trying to hide their giggles.

"I hope you know that the Devil has just reserved an extra toasty pile of brimstone for you all," she said bluntly to even more laughter before walking away to help Vetra and Cora coax Jaal down from a light fixture.

* * *

 _And then Vetra made Scott sleep on the couch for a month. Liam's couch, so you know she's angry._


	3. Jaal Tries Video Games

_Scott decides to show Jaal one of his favorite past times._

* * *

"Is this how you usually spend your free time?" Jaal inquired. He was in the pathfinder's quarters on his couch, Scott on the left side of him playing a handheld video game, the pathfinder's pet pyjak perched on the arm on his right.

"There are many practical benefits to playing video games, such as increased reflexes and better hand-eye coordination!" Scott replied. Seconds later, the pyjak threw the remains of the fruit he was nibbling at him and it hit him on the head, causing him to jump like someone had just thrust a rabid badger into his lap.

"Yes, those reflexes were impressive," Jaal nodded sarcastically. "We have something like this, except it's different. It's normally used for training exercises."

"Oh, we do that too. There probably isn't a single Alliance soldier who doesn't play video games," Scott nodded. "In fact, that was always one of the worst parts of Dad coming home..." He'd be gone for months and then show up one day and hog all the video games despite his and Sara's protesting, and then some of the things their mother had to do to get his attention again were kind of embarrassing. "Okay, so...on that note, try this one!" he passed the console onto Jaal, who stared at the sad looking animal on the screen. "This one's called 'Varren Happiness Simulator X9000'. Everyone on this ship is playing it right now."

"This creature is called a varren?" he asked, pointing out the screen. "And it comes from your Milky Way?"

"Sure does. Just like pyjaks, they're pets, pests, or food depending on who you ask. Krogan consider them all three." He started hitting buttons on the screen, showing Jaal how to play. "So the point of the game is that this mother varren lost all of her babies and now she's sad. Your job is to keep her happy by giving her love and helping her find her pups, and you can't let her love meter drop to zero or she'll get so sad that she'll die."

"Die?" Jaal said with concern. "What kind of emotional sadist designed this game?"

"Well that just motivates you to want to take care of her, don't you think?"

Jaal hit a few buttons, causing a big red heart to appear on screen and fill the meter. There didn't seem to be much to the game and he couldn't understand why it would be so popular. "And you say everyone on board the Tempest is playing this?"

"Everyone," Scott nodded.

"Define 'everyone'."

Just then Drack stormed in like a tornado was chasing him and shouted, "I can't keep her happy and the meter is dropping to zero! What do I do?!"

"Did you find any of her pups yet?" Scott asked.

"I found three of them, but her happiness is still dropping!"

"Make sure you have her keep feeding the babies. Once they're full, their kisses will convert to love."

"Thank you!" the krogan shouted gratefully before charging off once more, shaking the entire ship as he ran.

"Everyone," Scott replied firmly.

"Why? There's really nothing in this game. It's kind of linear and requires no skill."

"Okay then, give it back," the pathfinder requested.

Jaal continued hitting buttons on the game. "No! I'm playing it right now!"

"But you just said you didn't like the game."

"I did not say that, I was just wondering why it's popular."

"Come on, give me the game."

"No! She'll die!"

They both played tug of war over the console until it slipped out of their grasp and was flung across the room. It collided with the TV, causing it to fall from the wall and smash all over the floor in a spray of glass and sparks. They both stared at the smoking wreckage in shock.

"Uh...hun?" Scott shouted.

"Again?!" Vetra shouted back. "This is the third time this month! I'm not replacing it this time! Find your own TV on Kadara!"

* * *

 _This game's based on a real Android game my pig-loving sister found where you take care of a depressed mama pig, though I don't think she actually dies if you don't give her enough love. Considering how incredibly emotional the angara as a whole are, Jaal would probably consider such games to be cruel emotional manipulation, and then play them until dawn._


	4. Jaal Tries Fandoms

_This chapter is brought to you by an idea recommended by Jayfeattheris Awesome._

* * *

"You wrote a 200,000 word Fleet and Flotilla fanfiction?!"

"When I was 16, yes."

"And then you brought it with you to Andromeda?!"

"Says the guy who brought...what is this thing again?"

"A mamenchisaurus."

"Right. Whatever that is." Vetra put the plastic dinosaur back down with the others on his desk and went back to sorting through the files on a memory stick she had plugged into Scott's personal terminal.

Jaal poured some of the remains of the shattered TV that he was helping Scott clean up into a garbage pail and joined him at Scott's side to look over Vetra's shoulder at the screen. "What is a fanfiction?" he asked.

Vetra turned her head in shock at his statement. "Wait, you've never heard of fanfiction?" she asked.

"No..." he shook his head. "Should I have?"

She looked upon him with pity and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Oh my sweet summer child..." she sighed.

"Sit down. Vetra will learn ya," Scott said before pulling up a chair for Jaal.

"You see Jaal, when someone loves something a lot, they're going to want more of it," Vetra began explaining. "Unfortunately what already exists of that something might be limited. If I want more of Fleet and Flotilla, I only have three versions of the film, a novelization, an episodic graphic adventure video game, a board game, an animated series, a fifteen issue comic book series, and a documentary about its weirdly obsessive fandom to go to."

"...you don't say," Jaal replied sardonically.

"So, when they run out of content for the things they love, they decide to make their own and share it with friends or just anyone who shares their interest in that thing that they love."

"Hence the 200,000 word pornographic Fleet and Flotilla fanfic," Scott interrupted.

"Hey, you laugh, but this 200,000 word pornographic fanfic won 'Story of the Year' on the unofficial Fleet and Flotilla fanboards!"

"Fan...boards?" By the sound of confusion in his voice, Vetra wondered if Jaal was completely lost or if he understood at least some of what she was saying to him.

"Yeah, it's...here, I'll show you." She minimized the screen and brought up something called "Extranet 2.0". A wheel spun as it struggled to connect to the servers located so far away on the Nexus. "Back home we had this thing called the extranet that was accessible to pretty much anyone in the galaxy with a working computer and a nearby transponder. Tann decided that it would be a good idea to set up a similar system here in Andromeda to facilitate communication and the spread of knowledge, but so far it's pretty much just used for sharing fanart and naked pictures of asari."

"To be fair, that's pretty much what it was used for back home too," Scott pointed out.

Finally the wheel stopped spinning and the system connected to the new extranet. It was slow and somewhat unstable, nothing like the established system back home in the Milky Way, but it functioned for its purpose.

"Here. This is a small community I belong to where I share some of the stories I wrote for Sid when she was younger."

"You wrote pornographic fanfiction for your sister?" Scott asked with concern.

"Not all fanfiction is porn, Scott!" she snapped. More calmly she stated, "I couldn't always afford to buy things like books for Sid, so whenever she decided she liked something, I'd write little stories for her and use them to teach her how to read."

"That's actually kind of sweet," Jaal replied. "Might I read some of them?"

"Of course," she smiled, happy to share something she'd written so long ago with a friend. "But I have to warn you that some of them require prior knowledge of the source material."

"And whatever you do, stay away from anything tagged 'My Happy Horsey'," Scott interrupted.

Vetra sighed and rolled her eyes, knowing exactly where this was going. "What is 'My Happy Horsey' and why should I stay away from it?" Jaal asked suspiciously.

As though he were waiting for this moment his entire life, Scott smiled and said, "Let me show you!" He leaned over Vetra, pushing her head forward slightly with his chest, so he could reach the keyboard. After the search completed and the site loaded, the screen was flooded with colorful images of adorable cartoon horses from a popular children's show.

"Aww! They are so adorable!" Jaal proclaimed at the sight of the fanart on the screen in front of him.

Scott leaned forward again and made another search. "Now I'll search for it with the safe search off!"

Down in the engineering dock, Gil was hard at work patching up a few stray bullet holes in the hull of the Nomad. The only sound that could be heard was the hiss of his blowtorch and the sound of a video game coming through the door from Liam's room. He jumped when he heard Jaal shout, "BY THE STARS, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!" all the way from Scott's room.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry!" Gil apologized for whatever he must have just done.


	5. Jaal Tries Alcohol

_In hindsight, perhaps they should have told Jaal what Long Island Iced Tea was before they let him drink it._

* * *

Gil and Scott's conversation died down when the door to the kitchen opened. Vetra stood at the counter pouring something in a glass. She looked up at Scott and smiled when she saw him. "Oh, hi hun. I was just about to come find you. I made you something."

A silent voice started screaming inside his head at the words "made you something", as it did anytime Vetra was left alone in the kitchen following what he secretly referred to as the Cow Incident behind her back. She clearly noticed his forced smile and the strained way he replied, "That's great, Vetra!"

She laughed, obviously understanding his discomfort and reassured him, "Relax, I actually know how to make this one." She set a glass down on the table and stuck a straw in it. Scott had to admit he felt a strong wave of relief when he saw that what she made him at least wasn't food. "It's a Long Island Iced Tea. Cora told me you said you liked them?"

Technically he'd told Cora that it was the first alcoholic cocktail he drank after he reached legal drinking age and that it had knocked him on his ass, but that he hadn't regretted it. It looked right, but whether or not she'd actually succeeded in recreating a human cocktail that she couldn't taste remained to be seen.

 _Yeah, why the hell not._ He took a sip and was surprised by the taste. "That's actually pretty good," he said in surprise.

"Clearly I should have just made cocktails instead of the Cow Incident," Vetra replied. Scott choked on his alcohol. "Yes, I know you call it that, Scott. Don't forget we learned the hard way that you can't keep secrets on the Tempest."

"Where did you learn to mix alcohol, Vetra?" Gil inquired.

"I actually worked at a gay bar for about a month as a bartender," she replied.

"A gay bar? Really?" Scott asked.

"Probably one of the better jobs I've had. I wasn't harassed by too many drunk guys and the women would usually give me huge tips for some reason."

Scott snickered. "For some reason. Can't imagine why."

Vetra figured since Gil was here, she might as well make him something too. "So Gil, what would you like?"

"I'll have a virgin White Russian," he replied.

She stared him down, trying to determine if he was serious. "Gil, that's milk."

"Could you put chocolate in it?"

"I'm making cocktails," she pointed out.

"I'm working with heavy machinery," he pointed out in return.

"Good point. One chocolate milk it is."

She was in the middle of stirring in the chocolate when the door opened and Jaal walked in. "What's everyone doing?" he asked.

"Making drinks," Vetra replied. She set the glass down in front of Gil and turned back around to clean up.

Jaal sat down next to Scott and reached over, pulling his drink closer. He had a habit of tasting everyone's food and drinks because it allowed him to try them without wasting anything when it inevitably turned out that he didn't like them.

"Jaal, that's..." Scott stopped and looked at Vetra with concern when Jaal removed the straw and chugged about half of it. Gil was making a sound that sounded something like muffled snickering. "Jaal, you realize that's..."

Jaal seemed not to notice his concern. "This is actually pretty good. What's in it?"

Vetra looked at the glass and noticed how much he drank already. "Well, there's...lemon," she replied. She turned back around and grabbed a bottle of vodka. "I'll make you another one, hun," she said to Scott while she fished out another glass from the cabinet.

Jaal placed the now empty glass of ice on the table. "Make me another one too, please," he requested.

Vetra very slowly turned around with a look of horror and silent amusement. "Sure...two Long Island Iced Teas coming up..."

* * *

Everyone gathered to find out what the source of the loud crash was and found Jaal sitting on the floor with a box that he'd put on his head.

"Jaal, what are you doing?" Liam asked.

"I found my new room!" he said excitedly with a very slurred voice.

"That's a potato crate, Jaal," he pointed out.

Jaal started laughing and attempted to stand up with the box still on his head. "Well I'm gonna live in it now!"

Scott, Gil and Vetra stood nearby watching him, wondering if they should do something or see how this played out. Scott slowly sipped his drink, the view in front of him a stark reminder not to drink it as fast as Jaal had drank his.

"Is he okay?" Drack asked.

"He's fine. Just really drunk. Vetra made cocktails and he drank mine," Scott replied.

"I don't think he realized how much alcohol in them," Gil pointed out.

"I don't think he realized there _was_ alcohol in them," Vetra added.

"Wait, you just didn't tell him?" Lexi asked. "Why not?"

"This was funnier," Scott shrugged.

Jaal pulled the crate off his head and just sort of dropped it. He stared at it a moment as though he were surprised that it had succumbed to gravity rather than floating in the middle of the air. "Where did that box come from?" he asked as though seeing it for the first time.

"Jaal, you're drunk," Cora pointed out.

"No, you're drunk!" Jaal slurred. He started to totter forward and stumbled, stepping into a bucket full of soapy water and getting it stuck on his foot before tripping, slamming face-first into a wall, and landing on his ass. "Someone put a wall here..."

"Yes, and I can tell you her name if you want," Kallo replied.

"Okay, maybe you should sleep this off," Cora suggested. She tried to pull him to his feet but his body seemed to have gained the consistency of loose rubber and he still had his foot stuck in the bucket.

"No, no...I fine!" Jaal replied. He tried to stand up on his own and she almost dropped him trying to keep him from pulling the front of her shirt down. He stumbled forward and face-planted on the ground. "Someone put a floor here..."

"Same person," Kallo pointed out.

Peebee knelt on the floor beside him and clapped a hand on his back. "Jaal. Buddy. You really can't hold your alcohol."

Jaal rolled onto his back, reached out, and clamped his hand over her face. "No, you...you...what?"

"What?" she asked after pushing his hand off her face.

"Who's talking?"

"You are. And you have a bucket on your foot." She grabbed the bucket and pulled it off with an audible pop. What little water still remained in the bucket trickled out onto the floor.

"We could probably put him on my couch until he sleeps it off," Liam suggested.

"What if he pees himself?" Scott pointed out.

"We could probably put him on your couch until he sleeps it off," Liam suggested.

Jaal awkwardly stood up on wobbly legs once more. "Hey...every...everyone. I have something very important that I want to share with you all," Jaal said as he started leaning off to one side. "I...am a spaceship."

They silently stared at him, waiting for him to maybe change his statement or elaborate on it. "What?" Vetra asked.

Jaal started making spaceship noises and slowly fell forward, landing on the floor again.

"You didn't by any chance try to slip Ryder ryncol in that cocktail, did you?" Drack asked Vetra.

"Neh, trust me, Long Island Iced Tea doesn't need it," Vetra replied.

"Okay, let's put him somewhere so he doesn't hurt himself," Scott suggested.

It took a group effort to get Jaal up, but he more or less led them rather than the other way around. In the end, he climbed into the cargo space of the Nomad completely unprompted and curled up in the cramped space before passing out and snoring loudly.

"Do you think he's going to be okay in there?" Suvi asked.

Liam slammed the hatch door shut and locked it. "Well he's certainly not getting out until he sobers up at any rate."

* * *

There was a fumbling sound from inside the Nomad's cargo space. When the lock failed to disengage, the occupant resorted to banging on the door. Gil reached around the side and popped the lock and quickly retracted his hand as the door flew open.

"How did I get in there?!" Jaal shouted as he sat up all at once. He instantly regretted it and put one hand to his head when he was overcome with the worst headache he'd ever felt in his life.

"Narnia portals will spring up in the weirdest places," Gil shrugged. He reached for a drawing sitting on his workbench and handed it to Jaal. "Peebee drew you something."

Jaal's vision was still a little blurry as he struggled to focus on the drawing. It was a picture of him shaped like a rocket blasting through space with the caption, 'Jaal is a spaceship'. "Gil?" he groaned. "What did I do last night?"

Gil looked inside the hatch of the vehicle, looked annoyed, and grabbed the bucket, which had since been refilled with soapy water. "Apparently you pissed in the back of the Nomad on the emergency food rations..."


	6. Jaal Tries Makeup

_Peebee gives Jaal a makeup tutorial._

 _This one's a bit short, but it's an idea that I had that was making me laugh and couldn't be passed up._

* * *

"Okay, now you add a little bit of blush."

"Like this?"

"Exactly like that, but more. And maybe a little green eye shadow."

"Does the green eye shadow really match with anything else?"

"Nope. And neither does this highlighter yellow eye liner, so we'll just be sure to add a little of that to bring out the pop in the hot pink lipstick."

"Think we should add a little more of this stuff with the glitter?"

"Ooh, I like how you think!" Peebee capped a mascara wand and started gathering up the makeup spread out on the table. "And that concludes your first makeup tutorial, Jaal!"

"You're right. He doesn't nap so much as die for a few hours," Jaal replied.

"Told ya. Sometimes I come in here and borrow a few credits from him at night. He still hasn't noticed." They both snuck off, leaving Scott still fast asleep on his couch.

A few hours later he woke up just as Vetra came in to get him. "We're at Kadara port, whenever you're ready," she said. "Let me just..." She jumped in shock and put her hand over her pounding heart at the sight of her boyfriend's face looking back at her. "So what colony did you come from exactly?" she asked.

Scott looked at her with confusion, which was highlighted perfectly by the sparkly silver flecks reflecting the light above him. "What?" he asked.

The door opened again and Drack entered. "Hey, while we're at Kadara can we maybe get some...HOLY..."

"What? What's wrong?" Scott asked.

Drack and Vetra both looked at each other. "Oh, nothing's wrong. I just remembered that I uh...left the tap running. Remind me to get that on the way out."

"Oh. So we headed out to Kadara? Reyes wanted to see me about something."

"Yes. Kadara. In public," Drack nodded. "Where everyone can see us."

"I think there's a party going on right now. We should stop in for a bit," Vetra suggested.

"Sounds fine to me," Scott shrugged.

Drack and Vetra had a hard time not laughing. "Pathfind us on the way to victory, my wayward son," Drack motioned him out.

"Hey, you guys think Jaal is still upset with me for not telling him he was drinking alcohol?" Scott asked on the way out.

* * *

 _I want a T-shirt with the most horrifying Ryder that the character creator can produce on it and the quote "Pathfind us on the way to victory, my wayward son" now. Get on that, BioWare!_


	7. Jaal Tries Apologies

_Scott apologizes for his willful misconduct of the Long Island Iced Tea Incident and Jaal apologizes for making Scott look like a bathroom clown._

* * *

Lexi's psychology degree certainly was getting some use today. She stood next to the table, hovering over top the two she had forced to sit and talk and crossed her arms over her chest like an angry mother. "Now. What do we say?" Lexi asked.

Scott sighed, though he kept staring at the table just in front of Jaal. "Jaal, I'm really sorry about the alcohol thing. I know, it was wrong, but to be fair, Gil and Vetra didn't say anything either..." Peebee leaned over and hit him on the arm with a spoon. "Ow! What was that for?!" he asked.

"Lexi told me if you ever start saying something stupid I should hit you with a spoon," she said as though proud of her role in this discussion.

"I didn't say anything stupid...OW!"

"No actually, she's right. That is stupid," Lexi pointed out. "Vetra and Gil already apologized. You haven't."

Scott sighed. "Alright. I..." He noticed Peebee readying the spoon. "I haven't even said anything yet!"

"I'm still waiting," Jaal said bluntly.

"Jaal, I'm really sorry," Scott said at the risk of getting hit again. "I didn't mean to upset you, really. It seemed funny at the time, but I guess in hindsight it did kind of make you look like an idiot."

"And?" Jaal stated.

"And I'm sorry I almost gave you a coronary with the doll," he added.

"And?"

"AND I'm also sorry that showing you My Happy Horsey gave you nightmares for a week and a half."

"Well, for that matter, I guess I am sorry that Peebee and I made you look like...what was the term that you used, Peebee?"

"An acid trip?" Peebee suggested.

"Yes. That."

"So now we're all friends again?" Lexi asked.

"Yes. We're friends again," Jaal nodded.

"Good. I'm glad that's settled. I'll be in the infirmary if anyone needs me." Everyone else went about their day while Scott got cereal out of the cabinet.

"Could have been worse, Jaal," Peebee pointed out. "You could have pulled a Ryder and shoved boiling hot noodles down your pants to win a bet."

"Oh my god, that was one time!" Scott said as he glared at her over his shoulder.

"Yes. And I certainly haven't forgotten trying to explain to Lexi that I wasn't the reason you had burns there while you were too drunk to articulate," Vetra pointed out.

Jaal laughed as though he'd just figured something out. "Is that why every time we are on Eos people call you 'Noodle Dick'?" he asked.

Scott ended up pouring way more cereal than the volume of the bowl could hold. "Guys, do me a favor and don't include that bit of trivia in my obituary when I die."

"You know you can write your own obituaries before you die, right?" Peebee asked. "I already have mine written up and ready to go, just in case. It says 'Peebee was a vibrantly cheerful character whose life tragically ended after she got into a knife fight with a Roomba from the wrong side of the hardware store. She is survived by one hacked Remnant and her imaginary friend. Will be somewhat missed!'"

Scott sat back down next to Jaal with his cereal bowl in tow. "But seriously, I really am sorry. You're like family and I don't want you to be angry with me forever."

"I am not angry with you, Scott. Not anymore," Jaal promised.

"So, we're cool?"

"Yes. We're cool," Jaal nodded.

He reached out to hug Scott, who seemed relieved that Jaal wasn't still angry with him and accepted the hug warmly. Vetra and Peebee both noticed Jaal slapping a sign on his back that read, _'Noodle Dick'_.

"Well...I think it's time to go, don't you Peebee?" she asked.

"Yep. Totally have things to do," she agreed before following Peebee out.

Scott turned around slightly. "Are they laughing?" he asked.

"I don't hear anything. Must be your imagination," Jaal replied innocently.

* * *

 _I wrote this after noticing that Jaal seems to be getting picked on a lot. At least he has a sense of humor about it._


	8. Jaal Tries Biology

_Jaal gets a wonderfully spontaneous lesson about human female biology._

* * *

It was still very early in the morning, about when most of the Tempest crew woke up for the day, though most of them were still fast asleep, save for the earliest of risers. Vetra was stretching out on her way to commence her morning routines when she heard a gasp and an immensely annoyed groan from the bathroom.

Knocking on the door, she asked with concern, "Cora, are you alright? Is something wrong?"

"I'm fine," she sighed. "But I just learned that it was probably a bad idea to go off my bio blocker when I don't plan on having kids anytime soon."

Vetra winced at the implication. She'd been around enough human women in her time to know what Cora meant. "Is there anything I can do?" she asked.

"Go get Suvi. She might have what I need," she replied.

Luckily Suvi was already up at this hour, and with the mention of the words "female trouble", she immediately sprung into action. Awoken by her shuffling through her belongings in search of a small bag and Vetra and Suvi's subsequent march to the bathroom, Peebee yawned and was immediately curious why there seemed to be a large female gathering at the bathroom at this hour.

"Are you guys having a traditional 'girls meeting' in the bathroom without inviting me?" she asked.

"We're not having a meeting," Vetra replied. "Suvi just needs to help Cora with something."

"Ah. That human biology is finally catching up to her, huh?" Peebee nodded.

"What about her biology is catching up to her? Is she pregnant?"

Peebee looked over her shoulder and saw that Jaal had just gotten up for the day too and was waiting for a chance at the bathroom. "No, she definitely is not," she snickered, realizing that this was probably his first encounter with this kind of situation. "Cora is just bleeding out in a very inconvenient area right now."

" _Why_ did you tell him that?!" Cora shouted from the bathroom.

Jaal suddenly looked incredibly panicked. "Cora's bleeding? Is she dying?!"

"What? No!" Suvi replied. "She's not dying!"

"Yeah, she'll be fine," Peebee said nonchalantly, ignoring the angry glares from both Vetra and Suvi. "Her insides are just turning into sludge, like that guy who got covered in toxic waste in that old vid we watched the other day, and falling out of her."

"Peebee!" Cora shouted from the bathroom.

"Her insides are what?! Does she need help?! Should I go wake Lexi?! I'll go to the medbay and get her some band aids!"

"No, Jaal, get back here! Cora doesn't need band aids!" Vetra shouted after him.

Drack, who'd been asleep in the medbay just moments earlier, was in hysterics by the time he figured out what was going on. "I'm glad _you_ think this is funny!" Cora shouted from the bathroom.

"I've been up all night worrying that another kidney was failing. Let me have this just this once," Drack replied.

Vetra sighed. "I'm so glad _my_ ovaries don't betray me like this once a month."

"Well hooray for you and your bizarre alien biology!" Cora snapped.

"Jaal, put that sponge back in the sink! She doesn't need that either!" Suvi shouted to the kitchen, almost as though she knew exactly what he was doing in there.

Jaal charged back to the bathroom just as Cora was emerging and handed her a dish towel. "This was all I could find!" he said as he thrust it into her hands. "Does it help?!"

Cora stared at the towel in her hands before finally asking, "What exactly am I supposed to do with a dish towel?!"

Scott wandered out of his room at the sound of all the shouting and looking like he'd just woken up about five seconds ago. In all likelihood, he had. "What's going on? Why is everyone screaming?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong," Vetra tried to say before Jaal cut her off.

"Cora's leaking blood! I think she's dying! Is she going to be okay?!" he asked frantically.

Scott stared at Jaal and looked at Cora, who had her face in her hands, and turned around, proclaiming, "Nope. It is way too early for me to deal with this shit," before going back to bed.

"Okay, what is going on?" a stern, motherly voice demanded.

Cora was so glad to see Lexi was now up. She turned Jaal around to face her, shoved him forward, and proclaimed, "Here. Go explain human female biology to him so he stops thinking that I'm dying."

"That's...awfully specific," Lexi replied. She sighed and took Jaal by the shoulders and led him to the medbay. "Okay. Come with me for a moment, Jaal. I think it's time for 'the talk'."

A few moments later, Jaal was sitting at the breakfast table with a bowl of nutrient paste and a thousand yard stare. Gil sat down next to him with a plate of toaster waffles. "What happened to you?" he asked.

"There was an incident this morning with Cora, so Lexi had to have 'the talk' with him," Peebee replied before stealing one of his waffles with a fork and dropping it onto her plate. "There were pictures involved."

"Oh...that would have traumatized me too," Gil stated sympathetically.

"Let's just say I now know why you only like men," Jaal replied, still with a thousand yard stare.

* * *

 _I got the idea for this from my roommate's six year old daughter, who let's just say discovered that her mother is a woman the other day and started crying because she thought she was dying._


	9. Jaal Tries Video Games (Again)

_Because it worked so well the first time, am I right?_

* * *

Jaal listened curiously at the sound of shouting coming from behind Liam's closed door. "What is going on in there?" he asked.

Cora sighed, already more than a little frustrated with the loud noise while she tried to work. "The boys got a new video game and they haven't stopped playing it since."

He looked back at the door when everyone inside cheered loudly as whoever was playing accomplished some kind of in-game goal. "Does this one also manipulate you emotionally?" he inquired.

"Hell if I know," she shrugged. "I've never played it."

Jaal moved in close enough for the door to automatically open. A bowl of popcorn leftover from movie night was suddenly flipped over the arm of the couch when Gil, Liam, Scott, and Peebee all jumped and screamed at the same time at a jump scare.

"Aw crap, this game is friggin' hard!" Scott said in annoyance as he passed the controller on. "I keep getting eaten by zombies!"

Peebee smiled when she saw they had visitors. "Hey guys! Why don't you come in and play with us?"

Cora looked at Liam's old, beaten up couch with distaste. "I wouldn't sit on that couch if the alternative were made of fire," she said dismissively before returning to her previous task.

"Jaal! Come play," Liam invited. He scooted over and patted the cushion with one hand to entice him to sit down.

"Well...alright," Jaal nodded. "But only for a little while." The second he sat down, Peebee shoved an energy drink in one hand and Gil passed the controller to the other. "Uh...maybe I should just watch someone else play," he said as he tried to pass the controller back.

"We've all had a turn except for you. Now play!" Peebee insisted.

"Okay, well, uh, what do I do?" he asked.

"Well you want to go through that door," Scott instructed. "Uh no, you push the little stick thing. Okay, now hit the button with the X on it. The other X. No, it's that blue one..."

"...and you just jumped out the window and died," Liam stated as the words _You are dead_ appeared on the screen.

"I do not understand this game," Jaal said while Scott reached over and hit the button for him to restart. "What is the goal? What are you trying to accomplish?"

"Well you're a demon hunter stuck on a derelict space station full of ghosts and zombies and shit, and you're trying to rescue your girlfriend who's been kidnapped by a demon before time runs out and she gets dragged to Hell," Gil explained.

Jaal looked mildly disturbed. "Do all video games utilize cheap emotional manipulation to make you care about the plot?" he asked.

"Well she's kind of a bitch, so the game lets you pick whether you want to actually save her or not," Peebee replied. "And there's three endings but they're all kind of the same and you die in most of them, so after three games and all the amazing story it's kind of a letdown."

"I heard they're planning another sequel though," Liam added. "It's supposed to be the first game developed in the Andromeda system, but it's a completely different team since the old one kind of stayed behind in the Milky Way, and it's not really a direct sequel to the original trilogy, so we'll have to wait and see if it's anything worth playing."

"Oh! The game's back on! Quick, run down that hall!" Scott instructed. "Yeah...you push the sticky thing."

"I'm running. What do I do now?" A loud howl came from the game and everyone started screaming.

"IT FOUND YOU!" Scott shouted. "RUN!"

"GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!" Gil started screaming frantically while whacking Jaal on the shoulder as though that'll make him move faster.

"What?! What's going on?!" Jaal shouted in confusion. Not knowing what to do, he just started mashing the buttons.

"IT'S GAINING ON YOU!" Peebee shouted as she shoved his other shoulder.

Everyone started screaming at once while Jaal kept shouting "What do I do?! What do I do?!" over and over until another _You are dead_ screen popped up over a lovingly detailed depiction of Jaal's character having his intestines torn out by some kind of mutilated animal looking thing. A simultaneous sigh of disappointment swept through the room.

The door flew open and Cora stood on the other side. "Guys, seriously? What the hell is going on?" she asked.

"Jaal got eaten by a werewolf," Scott replied nonchalantly.

"Well can he maybe get eaten by a werewolf without so much fanfare?" she requested. "Kallo and Suvi just sent me a request to check and see if you guys are alright!"

"Tell Kallo everything's fine and that I replaced the ship's thruster coils with paper clips and Slinkies," Gil requested.

Cora rolled her eyes. "Just keep it down, please?" she requested before leaving.

"So, you want someone else to play now?" Liam asked Jaal.

"No! I want you to show me how to get through that door!" Jaal replied stubbornly.

Scott and Gil both shared a look behind the angaran's back. "We've created a monster," Scott said.

"So tell me how to kill it!" Jaal insisted.

* * *

Liam groaned and buried his head under a pillow when the room glowed crimson as the _You are dead_ screen popped up once more. "Don't you think it's time to give the game a break, Jaal?" he asked. "Everyone else is in bed except for you."

Jaal was now sitting on the floor in front of the couch where Liam attempted to sleep for the night. Several empty energy drink cans lay on the floor next to him and he'd since consumed the last of the snacks.

"I am not quitting until I find out the trick to slaying that...uh...what is that thing?"

Liam poked his head out from under the pillow just long enough to see what it was. "That's a wendigo," he replied.

"Yes, as soon as I slay that wendigo!" he replied stubbornly.

Liam gathered up his blanket and pillow and started off for the backseat of the Nomad. "Fine...just don't stay up all night," he yawned.

Finally he could get some sleep without the frustrated sound of muffled screaming coming from Jaal as he tried and failed to be courteous of the fact that he was succumbing to Gamer's Rage while his best friend tried to sleep on the couch behind him. His eyes shot open when he heard something jump up on the front of the vehicle and saw Jaal peering in through the windows.

"HOW DO I KILL THE BIG THREE HEADED THING?!" he shouted to be heard through the thick armor of the Nomad. Liam groaned and leaned over to the dash, hitting a button and watching the radiation shutters cover the Nomad's exterior windows. "BUT I'M STUCK!" he could faintly hear Jaal whining from the other side. Liam rolled over and enjoyed a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night.

* * *

Scott and Vetra both shouted in surprise when the door unexpectedly flew open. "Jaal! Seriously?!" Scott said angrily when the angaran just stood there, seemingly oblivious to the intimacy he just interrupted.

"How do you kill the thing?!" he shouted frantically as though his life depended on this. "I can't find Peebee, Liam won't tell me, and Gil just threw a wrench at me when I asked him!"

"Gee, it's almost like some people don't like being disturbed at random in the middle of the night," Scott replied.

Vetra shifted uncomfortably under her partner at their newfound audience. "Uh, Jaal, we're kind of in the middle of something..." she pointed out.

"But this is important!" he insisted.

"Oh my god, go away!" Scott said before throwing a pillow at him. It struck the wall just inches from his face.

"Alright, fine!" Jaal replied, fleeing the room back into the hall.

Scott suddenly realized that Vetra was glaring at him. "I uh...really thought I locked the door that time, Vetra. My bad?"

There was another high pitched shout of surprise from the bathroom next door. "Is Peebee in here?" they could hear Jaal ask.

"Jaal! I'm taking a shower! Go away!" Cora scolded him.

"But it's important!" they heard him shout back.

* * *

"He isn't still playing that game is he?" Scott asked with concern.

"Well he drank my entire supply of energy drinks, so he could probably be playing straight through next Tuesday," Liam groaned.

"Huh. Well now I know how he managed to get through a locked door into the bathroom last night," Cora replied. "He probably just vibrated his molecules right through the wall."

Lexi seemed a little more concerned than the rest of them did. "I think maybe I'll go and pay him a visit. That much caffeine and sugar with so little sleep can't be good for his heart."

"Well in that case, you might want this," Liam replied. He reached under the breakfast table and retrieved a huge stick.

"Why do I want that?" she asked.

"You'll see when you get there..."

* * *

If Jaal had anymore caffeine at this point, his heartbeats would outmatch a hummingbird's wings. His head turned at the sound of the door unlocking and he hissed like a dying vampire as the light from the hallway shown brightly in his eyes.

"Um, Jaal, I think you need to turn off the game now," Lexi said when she saw the state he was in.

"No! I'm not done!" Jaal shouted back.

"Jaal, give me the controller." She tried to take it from him, causing him to thrash around and swipe at her like an angry badger. "How many energy drinks did you have? He's practically gone feral!" Lexi complained as she fought him for the controller.

"Uh..." Liam looked at the discarded cans all over his floor. "I think about thirty..."

Jaal was flattened on his stomach on the ground, the controller in his outstretched hands in front of him, while Lexi lay across his back and pinned him down. "No! I've almost beaten it! I'm almost...I...almost..." His own protest was interrupted by loud snoring. Liam gave him a poke with the stick and Lexi gently nudged the controller out of his hands, but he was out like a light.

"What just happened?" Liam asked.

"Sugar crash," Lexi explained. "I've seen this before. I call it 'Caffeinated Gamer Syndrome'. He'll probably be out for a while..."

"How long is a while?"

"Hard to say. I've never seen it affect an angaran before," she admitted. "Also his bladder felt a little full when I was trying to hold him down, so you might want to throw some towels down or something."

"Oh. Ew..." Liam replied.

* * *

 _So the game they were playing is pretty much just an amalgamation of Bloodborne, Dead Space, and Shadows of the Damned, just in case you were curious._


	10. Jaal Tries Biotics

_Jaal gets curious about Peebee's biotics._

* * *

"Wait here!" Tann had said. "I have some very important people who want to meet the pathfinder's team!"

Immediately after he had said this, Pathfinder Ryder had quickly excused himself out against Tann's protests, insisting he had someone important he had to meet with, followed by Vetra saying she also had to go see someone about a crate of supplies that she was supposed to pick up, and then Cora quickly proclaimed that she just didn't want to be there and walked out against Tann's wishes, so they were the ones who were left. This was an hour ago and they had yet to meet a single "important person" since they got to Tann's office.

Jaal remained out of politeness, even though he disliked Tann from the moment he met him about as much as everyone else did, Liam stayed because there was free food, and Peebee couldn't come up with a valid excuse to get out of it and apparently "I don't want to be here" only works when you're Cora. It might have something to do with the fact that Tann seemed to be genuinely afraid of her ever since she biotically jumped to Scott's rescue when Tann tried to stop him from walking away from an argument. Drack tried to leave, but ended up coming back when Kesh asked him to, though they were sure he'd heard an earful from her first about how Tann would be on her ass if he left too and how he needed to help make a positive example for their species.

Jaal spun lightly in a circle on the swiveling office chair he'd taken from behind Tann's desk. He was bored. Peebee and Liam had already eaten all the snacks and Drack looked uncomfortable as sitting for too long began to aggravate his six dozen in a lifetime spinal cord injuries.

Jaal watched as Peebee used her biotics to push an empty glass back and forth across the table. To her, such a motion seemed to be as natural as breathing and didn't take any effort at all. He wondered if she even realized she was still doing it for as long as she had been.

"What does getting pushed by that feel like?" Jaal asked.

Peebee suddenly snapped out of her boredom by the question. "Hmm?" she asked.

"Your biotics. What does it feel like when you get pushed?"

Liam looked surprised at his question. "We've been fighting how many outlaws and exiles and in all this time, you've never been hit with a biotic blast?"

"I guess I'm just fast," Jaal replied.

"I don't know how to describe it," Peebee shrugged. "I guess it just feels like getting pushed by a wall of air. Unless the other person isn't holding back and is actually trying to hurt you, in which case it feels more like..."

"Getting trampled by an elcor," Drack interrupted.

"Yeah, like that."

Jaal still seemed confused. He had no idea what getting trampled by an elcor felt like, but he'd seen images of them and imagined it probably felt about the same as getting pummeled by an eiroch.

"Maybe you can show me so I know what it's like?" he asked.

"You want her to push you on purpose?" Liam asked. "Are you insane? What if you get hurt?"

"Not insane," Jaal shook his head. "Just curious." He was pretty sure every scientist in the history of existence had to convince someone of that at some point in their lifetime.

"Maybe you should just wait. I'm sure someone will hit you with a shockwave eventually," Peebee suggested. "Luck can't hold out forever."

"Maybe you should just show him," Drack suggested. "That way he doesn't get too curious and run out from cover with his arms outstretched like, HIT ME!" Drack mimed what that would look like, stirring a laugh from his companions.

"I don't know. I hit pretty hard. I wouldn't want to hurt you," Peebee said, though her tone was more teasing than apprehensive at the idea.

"I'm sure you won't hit me _that_ hard," Jaal stated.

He gave Peebee what was obviously supposed to be a light and playful shove to goad her into hitting him back. It didn't hurt, didn't threaten to push her out of her seat even, and there was no aggression behind it. This made it come as a surprise to everyone when Peebee hit back with a biotic force so powerful that Jaal's chair was blown backwards until he hit the wall.

Peebee looked horrified. She only meant to give him a light push, just enough to push his chair back a little, but obviously she had underestimated how far the wheels on the office chair he was sitting on would carry on the smooth floor and he'd gone further and faster than intended.

This was it...she was certain she'd hurt him, considering how hard he'd struck the wall. He'd probably never forgive her for it either. He'd asked her to do it, but with the assumption she'd pull her punches and not actually injure him and she let him down. Peebee stuttered as she tried to come up with an apology in hopes of salvaging their friendship.

After the brief moment where the impact with the wall had left Jaal stunned had passed, he took her and everyone else in the room by surprise when instead of being angry, he looked impressed. "Do that again..." he said so fast they almost couldn't make out what he had just said.

* * *

Tann opened the door, an entourage of newly awoken bureaucrats escorted by Nexus security following behind him. "...and this is part of the team of the human pathfinder, who is working tirelessly to help us..."

The last of his words were strangled in horror as he saw the asari who insisted on being called Peebee launching Liam on a broken swiveling office chair across the room with a blast of biotic energy. They'd made a crash mat against the wall with some mattresses that they'd found in a hallway to break the fall and there was already a sizable indent on the outer one from having objects repeatedly thrown into it.

"Wow, you're right! That _was_ fun!" Liam said to Jaal.

"Didn't I tell you?" he replied.

"Alright kids, move over!" Drack shouted. "Let Grandpa Nakmor show you how it's done!"

"...Drack?"

"Kesh?" Drack said as he noticed his granddaughter with the group that they now noticed was standing in the room. Peebee waved to them as though greeting old friends and didn't act like someone who had just been caught doing something weird or embarrassing at all.

Tann tried to speak, but it came out like a high pitched squeak that sounded like something emitted from the lungs of a newborn pyjak. The bureaucrats he'd awoken to help oversee a new outpost that Ryder had gotten up and running the other day all seemed much more amused by this than he did and a turian engineer in the back was eating a protein bar like he was enjoying a snack at a particularly entertaining movie.

"Having fun?" Kesh asked.

Without an ounce of shame, Drack replied, "Yup."

 _A few hours later…_

Scott opened the first email in his inbox and took a moment to read it. "Is everything alright, Pathfinder?" SAM asked when he noticed his growing look of confusion.

"One second..." he interrupted the AI as he stood up and walked to the center of the hallway. One's voice could carry fairly well from there throughout most of the ship, so it was the best possible means of quickly spreading information through the Tempest. "GUYS!" he shouted, getting the attention of about two thirds of the crew. "Can anyone explain to me why Tann is now deducting 200 credits a month from my salary to pay for his blood pressure meds?!"

* * *

 _I was playing Mass Effect 2 and got the idea for this after listening to Chakwas' story about Jenkins. You all know the one._


	11. Jaal Tries Cats

_The Tempest finds itself in possession of a shipment of freshly cloned kitties._

* * *

The laboratory was surprisingly noisy today, the source apparently a large crate in the corner of the room. There was a blanket over it so that Scott couldn't peek inside, but there was very clearly a collection of animals inside there.

"So what's in there?" Scott asked. "Newly discovered species? Test subjects?"

"No actually, they're cats," one of the scientists replied. "Ten week old kittens to be exact." He didn't even get past the word "cats" before Scott was already across the room and lifting the blanket to peek in at them.

"Aww! They're so cute!" Scott said before poking his fingers in at them.

"Well, I'm glad you actually agree, because that's why we asked you here. We have a favor to ask of you and want you to ship the kittens on board the Tempest to Eos."

"You want me to ship kittens to Prodromos?" Scott asked as he felt tiny kitten toe beans grabbing back at his fingers.

"Precisely! Prodromos is doing really well right now, except for the fact that morale seems a bit low..."

Scott did notice that people seemed a little bit bummed out last time he was there. Even as the outpost was finally succeeding and kett threat was actively reduced on the planet, one couldn't deny that a lot of people were starting to grow homesick for the Milky Way. He saw it all over, not just at Prodromos.

"...and then we noticed that someone requested we thaw out the genome for cats for some reason anyway, and cats make people happy, so we thought, why not clone them some kittens to bring their spirits up a little?"

"That is an amazing idea!" Scott replied before adding, "You guys didn't have any plans to clone back dogs anytime soon, did you?"

"That might be next if resources allow it. I can put you on a waiting list," he suggested.

"I want a goldendoodle," Scott blurted out. "Actually...put me down for three."

"We'll see," the scientist replied skeptically about whether or not he'd actually be allowed to give the pathfinder three dogs. "But in the meantime, let me get you the data for the shipment and we'll send that crate straight to your ship."

* * *

The news that the Tempest was going to be used to ship a crate full of kittens attracted the crew to the cargo hold. Even Bonkers the pyjak was poking around a bit, having been attracted by the sound of the kittens' cries.

"Oh. So this is a cat," Vetra said as she poked at one of them. "I never knew that's what they were called."

"I want to hold one!" Peebee shouted.

"Pathfinder, I detect an error in the shipment invoice," SAM interrupted the crowd cooing over the kittens. "There is a typo listing the number of kittens as '12' when there are in fact thirteen of them."

"They'll figure it out when they count them, SAM. It's no big deal," Scott reassured the AI.

The sound of everyone in one area quickly attracted Jaal. He could hear the sound of some small animal coming from the crate that everyone was crowded around but couldn't see through all of them.

"Oh? Are we being used as a courier ship again?" Jaal asked.

"Yeah, but it's no big deal this time," Cora replied. "I don't mind if it means we get to share the ship with thirteen kittens for a while."

"Kitten?" Jaal stated. "What is a kitten?"

Scott looked like Jaal had just asked him what was oxygen, despite the fact that it was perfectly logical that Jaal would have no idea what a kitten was. "You are gonna learn today!" he shouted before unlatching the crate. He picked up the biggest, fluffiest kitten of the bunch and carried it to Jaal while everyone else grabbed a kitten from the crate and fought with Peebee when she took four of them.

"It looks like vermin," Jaal stated at the sight of the animal.

"Not vermin," Scott replied. "Just the second most perfect being formed in the Milky Way after the goldendoodle."

"Goldendoodle?"

"Yes. When I still lived in the Milky Way, I had four goldfish and a goldendoodle and I named them all Goldie."

He missed Vetra mumbling, "Of course you did," behind his back.

"Oh, so it's a pet, like your hamster or your..." Jaal looked at the pyjak, who was staring back at him with a deeply intense look. "...Bonkers."

"See, centuries ago my people had this problem, and that problem was that rodents kept eating all our food and spreading plague amongst our houses. Back then we dealt with the problem by throwing rocks at them. Eventually we evolved the intelligence to use shotguns indoors, like my dad did that one time he saw a rat, seconds before he realized that was a bad idea and my mom yelled at him for an hour under the impression that closing a door means my sister and I can't hear them."

"What does any of this have to do with kittens?" Jaal asked.

"I'm getting to that," Scott said. "Somewhere in between throwing rocks and putting holes in the living room wall, we found it was much easier to just keep cats. This perfect lifeform..." Scott held the struggling kitten up in front of him for emphasis, "...earned its keep by killing and eating everything that was smaller then them. Years later they evolved into higher beings that eat our food, only we don't mind so much when they do it because they have the power to hypnotize us by acting cute. They're also known to like lasagna and hate Mondays."

"So basically cats own you now."

"Exactly!"

"Why would you ever want to keep a pet that thinks _you_ are its pet?"

Scott shoved the kitten into Jaal's hands. "Hold it and arm yourself with knowledge!"

The cat's legs dangled underneath it as Jaal held it in front of his face. "I don't get it," Jaal said as he watched it. "It's cute, but so is a baby eiroch. What does it actually have to offer that makes you want to allow yourself to become enslaved by its..."

The kitten raised its front paws and pressed them both against his nose. Jaal stood for a moment, frozen in time with tiny kitty toe beans on his face as he processed it. The kitten meowed and started to make that same rumbling sort of sound that he sometimes heard Vetra make. She only made that sound when Scott made her really happy. Did this kitten also make this sound when he was happy? Did that mean the kitten liked him? HOLY CRAP, THAT WAS SO CUTE!

Jaal managed to break the hypnotic spell the cat had on him (to be fair, Scott _had_ warned him) and looked away from it. "I want one," he stated bluntly.

"I think there might be a waiting list, buddy," Scott informed him. He took the kitten from his hands, oblivious to the grabby motions Jaal made at him as he took the kitten back. "Okay, so we'll just put the kittens back in the crate and put them somewhere nice and warm and we'll have them at Prodromos within the day."

"What?" Liam protested. "You mean we've got a crate of kittens and you won't even let us play with them while we've got them?"

"Well..." Scott said thoughtfully. "It'll only be a few hours...they'll be fine in the crate during that time." He felt something wet and scratchy on his hand and realized the kitten was licking him. It looked up at him with large, blue eyes and meowed. "Okay, you guys can play with them until we get to Eos, but they stay in my room," he gave in.

Over the sound of cheers, Cora asked, "Why your room?"

"Because I'm the pathfinder!" Scott shouted back before sticking the kitten back with the others, grabbing the crate, and marching off towards his room with it so he could let them out and snuggle with them all.

* * *

"Pathfinder, Kallo Jath would like me to inform you that the estimated time of arrival on Eos is approximately twenty minutes," SAM spoke up.

"Okay everyone, the kitties have to go back in the crate now," Scott announced.

"Aww," everyone in the room groaned when they realized that meant the kittens were going away now.

"Well, if we're really almost there, then I guess I should get back to work then," Jaal said in a bummed out voice. He stood up and started to leave when Scott quickly stopped him.

"Give them back, Jaal."

"I do not know what you're talking about," Jaal replied. He spun him around and found that he was holding three kittens in his arms. "Oh, you meant these...yes, I was just putting them back now," Jaal stated as he sheepishly put them inside the crate.

He began to walk back out again when Scott once more stopped him. "And the one behind your back."

"I do not know what you are talking abou-" He was interrupted when his rofjinn moved and meowed. "Fine, I'll put that one back too," Jaal sighed.

Scott made sure all of the kittens were safely back in the cage and that the door was secure. As the kittens all looked back at him through the holes in the grid-like door, he suddenly felt overcome by their adorable hypnosis once more.

"Well...we have twenty minutes. Maybe I should get you guys a snack or something until then," he said before excusing himself to the kitchen.

"Hey kid," Drack said when he saw Scott enter the kitchen. "Don't fill up on snacks, I'm making dinner."

Scott shuddered at the thought. It wasn't that he didn't like Drack's cooking, it was that he often worried about what he put in it and that even if it tasted good, it didn't always agree with him afterwards. Lexi suggested it was a nervous reaction and pointed out that he'd been throwing up when he got anxious long before he started eating Drack's cooking, though he wasn't entirely sure she was just covering for him because she liked him.

"I'm actually looking for something to feed the kittens," Scott replied. He dug through the cabinets and checked back and forth at the list of recommended food that he was supposed to deliver along with the cats.

He managed to find some canned meat by-product and reasoned that was probably all that cat food was anyway. He dished it out on a plate and brought it back to his room…

...and found the crate door wide open and the kittens missing.

Vetra sat on the bed reading a book, seemingly unaware that anything was amiss. "Something wrong?" she asked when she saw the look on his face.

"Vetra, did you let the kittens out?" Scott asked.

"No?" Vetra replied. "They were there when I went to the bathroom a moment ago..." She got up and walked to the crate. "They are gone!"

"I told you!" he replied.

"Who could have…?"

They both seemed to come to the same conclusion at the same time. "Jaal," they simultaneously stated.

* * *

Jaal was in his room tinkering with something that Scott recognized as too alien to recognize. Scott looked around the room, looking for any hiding kittens, and thought that if Jaal did indeed have them, he was impressed with how well he'd hidden them.

"Alright Jaal, where are they?" Scott asked.

Jaal jumped when whatever he was tinkering with snapped shut on one of his fingers. "Where are what?" he asked.

"You know what!"

Jaal stopped tinkering and looked at him, utterly confused. "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about."

"You didn't take the kittens?"

"I'm not a thief, if that's what you're implying." After a moment's pause he suddenly looked genuinely concerned. "Are the kittens missing?"

Scott looked startled when he realized that Jaal was completely telling the truth. He was an extremely bad liar, he would have known if he was lying to him. He turned to Vetra. "He doesn't have the kittens."

"So...where are they?" Vetra asked.

* * *

Peebee was asleep and mildly annoyed at being woken up when Scott had SAM hack the lock on her room so he could open the door. "So, the kittens have gone missing," Scott said. "You wouldn't happen to know where they might have gone off to, would you?"

"Why is it that whenever something goes missing, you guys assume I took it?" Peebee asked sleepily.

"...did you take them?"

"NO!" she shouted. She biotically chucked a pillow at him. "Go away, I'm trying to sleep!"

* * *

"Heeeey, Drack! Whatcha makin'?" Scott asked as he poked his head back into the kitchen.

"It's a surprise," Drack replied while he checked on a pot on the stove.

Scott stood at the doorway and waited for Drack to turn his back to chop up a weird looking vegetable (maybe it was a vegetable, it could have been a seed pod or something for all he knew) and slunk to the stove to peek inside of the pot.

"Just so you know, the kittens are missing, so if you see them I'd appreciate it if you let someone know."

Drack seemed to be growing suspicious of him after his statement. "What are you doing?" he asked without turning around.

Scott closed the lid on the pot a little noisier than he wanted to. "Uh, well...I was just seeing what was in there, and..."

Drack turned around and scraped the contents of the cutting board into the pot. "I wouldn't eat a kitten!" he protested. After a brief pause, he amended, "Well, I would actually eat a kitten...but I wouldn't make _you_ eat it!"

"Vetra, he doesn't have them either!" Scott shouted as he left the kitchen. "I think..."

* * *

"They aren't in the air vents," Gil stated.

"Check again!" Scott replied frantically.

"I didn't find them hiding in the clean laundry," Suvi added.

"Check again!" Scott replied just as frantically.

He'd set several of the traps he'd used to capture his hamster throughout the ship and frantically checked them every minute or so in hopes that one of the kittens would turn up inside. They only had a few minutes until arrival and he still had no idea where the kittens were.

"Did anyone check the crew quarters?" Jaal asked.

"Cora's in there and she said she was getting dressed. She would have noticed by now if they were in there," Scott sighed.

"The ship isn't that big, Scott," Jaal pointed out. "They've got to be here somewhere."

"But there's thirteen of them! How is it that we can't even find a single one of them?!"

"They must all be in one spot. Maybe someone has them after all," Vetra suggested.

"Yeah, but we checked all the usual suspects and everyone else is out here looking for them!"

"If I may Pathfinder," SAM interjected. "There is one crew member who is just as unaccounted for."

"Yeah, but who…?" Scott asked. He looked around and tried to remember who he hadn't yet spoken to about the kittens. All of a sudden it hit him.

* * *

The door opened and at once three of the kittens poured out into the hallway, where they were quickly wrangled up by Vetra's quick turian reflexes. The other ten kittens were prancing about the crew quarters. One of them was sitting inside of a sneaker, two were playing in a cardboard box that they had overturned, and the rest were running around the room or sitting in the arms of the shocked looking culprit.

"I told you I didn't eat them," Drack said.

"I have absolutely no idea how all these kittens got in here!" Cora said in a vain attempt to deflect Scott's judgmental staring. A particularly tiny one that was mixed calico in color with white feet poked her head out of the pocket in the front of Cora's sweatshirt and meowed. "I named that one Peanut..."

* * *

Scott stood by while the liaison sent to meet him counted the kittens inside of the crate. "Well, it seems like all twelve of them are here," he said. "Thank you! The colonists will be so happy when they receive their kittens!"

"Well I'm just happy that I had a part in making other people happy!" Scott nodded.

Vetra was the only one who didn't look happy. She instead looked confused. "Twelve? But I thought..."

Scott grabbed her by the arm and started pulling her away. "Well, if you guys ever need anymore kittens delivered, we'll gladly transport them for you! Come on, Vetra!"

Back on the Tempest, Vetra still had questions about what happened to the thirteenth kitten. "Did something go wrong? We didn't lose it again, did we?" she asked.

The smile on Jaal and Cora's faces was more of an answer than anything Scott gave her. "He let us keep Peanut," Jaal said right before Cora's pocket meowed.

* * *

 _I got the idea for this chapter months ago after seeing fanart by a deviantART user named NecrosisDemon of Jaal discovering a cat for the first time and just never wrote it. Then recently I found out that Cora loves cats, which gave me an idea for the ending on the spot and convinced me to finally write it._


End file.
